Emo with Beans

Grr. Feelings? Ugh. Go away. I don’t like feeling like this. Hmph. Girl. Stop that.

I’m lovin’ life so much nowadays.

Bitches beware. ~_^

I am not making any of the same mistakes again.

I’m sorry.

You came at a bad time.

But I’ll give you this much,

You have quite the convincing power and charm to win me over.

Sadly this isn’t the time for your victory.

Not looking for something solid just floating my way through life now

Hmm….I don’t know what to make of this.

I see you trying but …

>:)

“I step out of the destruction with a grin spread across my face.”

You make me blush and smile.

That was fast. :)

I’m enjoying life now. I have to make the money my mom gave me last for another two weeks. I already put aside money for SF so I’m okay there. I think I will just kick it at my parents all day from now on. Saves me money and I get free food. I wish I could drag my computer there. I would just play Starcraft all day. I also got invited to a LAN party which for those of you who aren’t nerds might not know is …it’s a computer party in which we all bring our comps and battle against each other in the same room. I’ve only done it once but hell I’m excited to do it again! It’s tomorrow so I might just do it seeing as I have no plans for tomorrow. Anyway write later

It’s a shame. I have no hate towards you, I still love you. I’m no longer in love with you but I do love you as a person, sadly I should consider changing that but no…

Your friends spew lies to your face. I saved text messages two close friends of yours sent me the time you were locked up. They tell a different story from what they’ve painted over your eyes these past days. I still keep them, I don’t why…maybe one day I’ll show you. I thought I would see you again before you left but it’s better this way. I can not bear to lay eyes on you. The vulnerability I have for you is scary. Too scary at that. I will bend to your will if you so desire it but this distance between us has made me a bit stronger than from when you last saw me.

I still remember the last time I saw you at my door taking your belongings. I yearned to hug you and speak with you but I couldn’t …I just couldn’t.

I will never hate you but I will always mourn the memory of you.

Sometimes others have it worse.

It’s hard to look back. I don’t. I keep my eyes focused. I’ve chained down my heart and locked it away. It no longer needs to see what lies around it. My rational side has taken charged and no longer wishes to give into emotions or feelings. I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. I was yours and now I’m …me again.

Everyone has told me how strong I am now. How much better. I’m shining now. No more worrying about someone else, no more stressing on whether she feels okay that day. Should I get her something to make her smile? Should I try and see if we can do anything she might like? No more questions like that cross my mind.

Some tears just ran down my cheek. I miss her. I do. God I do. No matter how much I know this is for the best, I still can’t help but say no to it all. I never meant for it to get this bad. I never wanted this for us. NEVER! I spent the weekend crying and crying. Always fighting the urge to drive over to the detention facility. My mother threatened me so much. If I even stepped foot I would lose everything. Everything. I didn’t know what to do…I had the number. They would have found out. I fought off so much temptation. Even though since she’s been gone, I’ve been surrounded by friends, my mind always jumps back to her. The counseling helps. The support group I’m in helps a lot. Seems like these women felt the exact same way for their other. When I talked, they all agreed to what I was saying. Said they felt the same way and thought the same way.

I better stop thinking about her now. If not I start to soften my newly harden shell. I will always love you. Always. Even though this Hell we created for ourselves destroyed us in the end. I will always cherish you in my heart.

I don’t know when I’ll see you again but hopefully I’ll be strong enough to say more than just hello.

Am I in denial? I don’t know anymore. I’m living life for the sake of it all. I mean…why give up before any of the fun starts? Mmk.

I just keep having nightmare after nightmare this weekend. I still can’t believe this weekend happened. Even though a lot of people will punch me for saying this but I miss her. I break down crying everywhere I go. I’m not supposed to miss her but I can’t help it. It’s not an easy letting go process. I worry about her but she doesn’t deserve my worrying. I told her friend Matt she’s locked up and he hasn’t even bothered to go see her. It upsets me because she spoke so highly of this guy and he texted me all day telling me he’s watching the Lakers Game and what a good weekend he’s having. I mean WTF! What about Naty?!! I’m just mad….

I got into a huge fight with my mom over this. She won’t let me handle it and it upsets me. I get I haven’t handled it all year but now I am so give me the space and time to accomplish this problem.

I wish it didn’t have to go this far. Idk how many times I’ve said that phrase. Everyone knows I’m trying to let go and move on but it’s not as easy. Coming home to my apartment hurts me a lot. Seeing the destruction. Seeing her clothes everywhere…seeing our memories scattered and ripped to pieces. It really hurts. I don’t know when I’ll see her next…I know soon because this isn’t over but the wound is soo fresh. Saturday will go down as ONE of my worst days. This weekend tops my worst weekends. WHY BABE?! I really wish/pray things handle themselves but couldn’t you have just worked with me for these last few days here in SD?

I really need to stand strong on my decision now but it’s harder than it appears.

This being on my own stuff is starting to get to me. I hate being alone. Having to force myself to be busy isn’t something I’m used to. It’s beginning to depress me even further. I feel like throwing myself into a coma and waking up to everything already changed for me. You’re truly making this hard for me…