Emo with Beans

I feel like listening to booty shakin’ music with a side of emo-ness. It’s a great way to describe my inner stability or better yet a way to express my ADD. I’ma hit the gym today (yay!) then help my Italian friend out with getting a rental car then whatever else happens. I spent 3 hours last night playing Mass Effect 2! This game is addicting. I have no urge to get up while I’m playing the game. The graphics are so beautiful! I’m getting closer to the end, I hope. I have a lot of side missions to complete still. I don’t know when school starts nor do I want it to start for another month. I’ve missed playing video games so much! It’s sad I have to already say good-bye to them so quickly. Anyway write later!! ^_^

So I’m cramping! This is rare. I say things are changing in my body since my 21st. My boobs also need to stop hurting everyday. Either they’re growing or my period is butchering me slowly. I’m becoming restless, I need GYM! Like for reals. No more being lazy. I took a month off and that’s enough. Gym is something I really enjoy in my life and this month has pushed my limits. It’s not like I’ve gained weight but all my hard work of years for toning is slipping away and this is very important to me so when I return I’ma hit the gym hard.

Moka seems to have some adjustment issues with the new place, she’s quite the cute clingy cat.

I’m almost done with fixing the room up the way I kind of like it. If were truly the way I want it, there would be like a nice ass Bose sound system installed. ^_^ ONE DAY!!!

I’ve been playing Mass Effect 2 a lot and damn it’s a good game~!!! Like I really like it, just wish I could sit there for hours without having to use the restroom and eating and just play my game. ^_^ ahhh those days are over though….well the sitting for hours part. Anyway write later! the morning is slipping away! Shopping here I come!! ;D

So …my apartment was flooded a few days ago. I woke up at 5:30 am with my room in water, luckily I saved all the electronic equipment. Anyway they moved us into a new apartment in 5330. So I’ve officially lived in every building in this complex (5340, 5320, and now 5330). I’m becoming restless with certain things in my life and it’s my own damn fault and I understand so I don’t need any lectures or anything pertaining to “advice,” because I know what must be done.

Just a thought but I think you could have handled last night better than you did. How about setting back and assessing your emotions. I don’t need to be caught in the crossfire of this.

“Funny, for a second there I was falling back in love with you,” I whispered as she walked away from me once more.

I’m tired of being sorry.

Enough. You confuse me. I’m done. Stop it. I know I say this all the time but it’s getting easier to drift away unfortunately that also means I’m becoming transparent. The last time I felt like this was back in 08, after my terrible “Fall from Grace.” As I like to put it. It’s becoming too much to cater to you. You probably say, “You don’t do shit for me,” and fine think that…but I bet you anybody I ask will side with me on this one.

Those stupid urges to get violent are flooding back into my body. I’m doing my best to combat those feelings, put them aside, control them but you don’t make it easy. You’ve witnessed it before and here I am now…just failing at this.

I don’t intend to lose this fight…I don’t intend to but if I do, well we’ll see what happens.

I’m confusing my feelings right now so I might have to disappear again soon. Thankfully finals are this week and I’ll have ONE month off from school. Gives me time to recollect myself. Find a stable ground again. I need help but there’s nowhere out there anywhere willing to catch me and rightfully so…I am no longer anyone’s responsibility but my own. Let’s see how long this lasts.

I’m slipping in between the cracks now so let’s see how far I can hold myself up. I have before so I don’t expect ANYONE to be there now, it’s just annoying. An annoyance that I know the truth of. I prefer to talk in riddles cause that’s how my mind processes all this crap. Nothing ever makes sense so I just jump at any given moment. So if you truly think I think things through, how can I? When my own mind can’t understand it’s own speech.

You make my tears rush out,

So quick I can’t even catch them before they fall,

You let it happen, you smile as I cry,

As I cry,

Why don’t you come and hold me?

Don’t just stand there and watch,

I rely on you and cry for you,

Please do something,

Anything to make me smile,

But you don’t…

You just smile and watch me cry,

Is this making you happy?

Is this not enough to let go of the past,

How much more must I sacrifice in order to be even?

You can’t just ….no you can’t.

You believe you’re holier than thou,

Your own religion,

One in which you are God,

And I am…a fallen angel or demon,

One who’s pledged her heart to you but you forsake it,

Forsake it you do…

Just let me die already,

Just let me die.

It’s been two months since I’ve written in here. So HELLO!

I seem to have caught a case of senoritis this past month but I’m now on top of my studies (only cause it’s finals week next week so I’m busting my ass playing catch up). Aside from that I might have to do course forgiveness for one of my classes but it’s alright…ehhh!

Lately my chest has been hurting. The stinging pain has returned. It was gone for a while and I enjoyed the break but now it’s been brought back and I know why. I just need to figure out how to solve the problem. Anyway I haven’t gone to the gym in a week or so and it’s hella bothering me. People don’t understand HOW MUCH it affects me and I can’t handle it.

Another note, I turned 21! Yay! Too bad my car got hit that night and now I’m car-less for a while. I should be getting it back either tomorrow or Thursday. Though I’m super busy on Thursday…but I’ll find time.

I’m officially part of GRL now. So yay for me. Anyway I can’t wait for the New Year.